Thursday, 17 December 2015
A marriage post
About a month ago I had a doctors appointment for a very private physical issue. For procedure, one of the nurses had to weigh and measure my height for hospital records.
She made me sit on a type of scales slash sofa thingy and took my height in centimeters.
I swallowed simultaneously looking forward to and fearing the results.
My weight clocked in at a hundred and six kilos and I don't even want to mention the actuality of my height.
After the usual admirable comments by strangers and even hate ("giant") for it,
I stand at only five foot eight. It isn't anywhere near size-able for my weight.
I was a slim child, which never translated into my adolescence well. I have always been a snacker and a sugar baby, and my pre-teen discovery of white bread meant love-handles at ten. Those ancient love handles have become my caricature, to the extent that my sister stuffed shirts round her waist to poke fun at my 'iconic' silhouette without outright slamming my looks.
Those mountain-legs (as I call them) stick out from the sides + make my skinny jean slip down.
I am not 'wife material', as you probably have gathered from by now, not at this moment.
I just think that the typical dream wife for the average Muslim male, is dainty, fair skinned, very slim and 19 which I am not.
At this height carrying this weight and with dark mahogany skin none are interested, which speaks as much to the shallowness and immaturity of some of our brothers as well as their own internal issues with colorist and weight politics.
The womanist on the surface of me says flip 'em, strut and if a man wants to marry for anything except religion, then he need to do some shoegazing.
But because of my fragility, I have fallen for the white supremacist beauty standards which has so easily cracked me, being born plus raised in Western Europe.
I have fried and stretched my hair as far as it can go beyond my meaty shoulders. Been on weight-watchers and slimming world, and have even been suggested to use lightening soaps by non-well meaning family.
Its not going to work, and by how hard it is to get married for most Muslims (I guess a lot of it come from us not looking at the bigger picture of marriage), I'll be single for a while longer!
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